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Funniest Sea Patrol quotes


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#1 daniandan

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 06:51 AM

SEASON 1

Episode 001 - Welcome Aboard

Mike: What’s happening, Buffer?
Buffer: They’re still looking for a tube, sir.
Mike: (Looks thoughtful.) Tell X she’s got a pistol. Use it.
Buffer: You want him to shoot her?
Mike: Tell X to break down her Browning, remove the 9-millimetre barrel, use it as a tube. Over.
Buffer: Got it.
Mike: (Chuckles.) Shoot her.
Nav: Well, that’s one way of ending a crisis.

Buffer: Don’t listen to him, Spider.
Spider: Oh, my name’s Billy. Billy Webb.
Chefo: Yeah, that’s right. Spider Webb.
Spider: No, I had that all through school. I joined the navy to get away from it all.
Buffer: Good luck with that, Spider.

Episode 002 - What Lies Beneath

Mike: And he’s under the impression that you’re Wonder Woman.
Kate: Oh, you didn’t already know that?

Episode 003 - Ghost of Things Past

Spider: I think it's a ghost ship.
Buffer: It's a catamaran, you idiot.

RO: A man goes yachting to get away from his wife. Well, if he’s gonna call her every day, he might as well stay at home. (Leaves.)
Nav: Future Mrs Robert Dixon’s gonna be one lucky girl.
(Mike chuckles.)

Kate: Sir, four elephants and a giraffe could’ve gone over in that storm, we’d never know.
Mike: I think we can safely not bother looking for any elephants. The giraffe on the other hand…

Mike: (Observing Bright Island) Feds?
Buffer: Looks like it, sir.
Mike: I dropped off two agents, but I can see another six. What the hell are they doing?
Buffer: Breeding, sir?

Episode 006 - Precious Cargo

Nav: Roger Romeo2, we might have to sink it. Over.
ET: Wow, what about the Maritime salvaging rights, there might be a ferrari in this thing.
Nav: And who's gonna drive it back to base, Romeo? You?

Fisherman: Hey Spider, is that you, mate? How are you going? How are those crabs we gave you?
There is an awkward pause. Chefo sniggering in background.
Spider: (defensively) They're talking about seafood. They gave me some crabs on Bright Island!
Whole Crew laughs.
Spider: Chefo, tell them about the crabs in the freezer.
Chefo: I don't know what you're talking about, mate.

SEASON 2

Episode 014 - The Dogs of War

Bomber: You leave your cups up here, next time you drink from cardboard
Kate: [hiding a smirk] Consider yourselves told.

Mike: We'll let RO give them the good news.
RO: [sarcastically]Thank you sir.

Episode 015 - Fortune Favours

The crew are practicing a boarding exercise and using left-over vegetables as mock weapons.
Spider: Step away from the cauliflower!
Buffer: It's a broccoli, you idiot.

Episode 017 - Heaven Born Captains

Charge: What is that?
Bomber: Croque monsier.
Charge: Crocca what?
Bomber: Ham and cheese toasted sangers.
Charge: Oh, alright.

Episode 018 - Giving Up The Dead

(about the quiche)
Bomber: In Spider's case, it may bring on puberty.
Spider: I'll have you know I shave every day.
E.T: Legs and bikini line don't count, mate.

Episode 019 - Birds

Mike: Nav what's your take on this Agent Fulton?
Nav: He's a Marine Protection guy Sir.
Mike: Yeah I know that but what's your take on him? Is he a loose cannon?
Nav: He's...a Marine Protection guy Sir.
Mike: Right, enough said.

Kate: What I need is a card that says 'Why is there a man in a barrel?'
Buffer: There'll be one in there somewhere Ma'am.

Episode 022 - Shadow Line

[The crew on the Bridge are staring at the EOD watching Spider kiss Carly Walsman on Ray Walsman's yacht]
Nav and Charge: Oh oh oooooo ooh wow wooow!
Charge: Oh recording recording!
Nav: Spider hasn't got a chance against her.
RO: Guys, some of us are trying to work here.
Nav: RO,shoosh.
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Ahh, have we found something of interest on the EOD?
Charge: No, just perving on the cruiser.
Kate: What's Webb done with his life jacket?
Charge: Ummm well he.....
Nav: You know Spider, he's just...Spider.
Kate: Right

Episode 023 - Rules of Engagement

Mike: Who's got the machetes?
"ET:" We're navy sir.

Episode 024 - A Brilliant Career

Swain: That's one hell of a bullet wound.
Freeman: He doesn't appear to have been in the water long.
Swain: You think he was thrown out of that prawn trawler?
Freeman: Ohh well, unless he fell from space.

SEASON 3

Episode 027 - Catch and Release

Spider: (carrying a box of exotic fish) X, they've got the whole cast of Finding Nemo down there!

Episode 028 - Monkey Business

Buffer comes outside after villagers throw vodka bottles at ship deck.
Buffer: Oi, what do you think your doing? Turn round and walk away mate! Oh, you want me to come down there?

Kate opens hatch in roof
2Dads: My God, it's a monkey! How'd he get here?
Kate: I don't know, but he seems to know you.

Episode 029 - China Dolls

[Talking about RO]
Kate: You really have to talk to him.
Mike: Do I have to?

Episode 032 - Oh Danny Boy

(Spider, 2Dads and Buffer doing inventory of stocks being brought aboard the ship)
Spider: One box of paper towels.
Buffer: One paper towel. (checking the list against his list)
(Spider and Buffer looking at Robert approaching them. He was dropped off by the police after a drunken misdemeanor)
Buffer: One drunk sailor. (Referring to Robert coming aboard the ship)
(Spider and Buffer grins at RO who glares back at them)

2Dads: I thought you two would have something in common!
RO: Yeah, a certain part of our anatomy!

Episode 034 - Red Sky Morning

Kate 'XO': If this ends up on Facebook I will never speak to you again.

Episode 035 - Pearls Before Swine

Mike 'CO': There are certain rumours going around the ship.
2Dads: Sir, the rumours are true. Charge really is a woman.

SEASON 4

Episode 040 - Night of the Long Knives

(To RO, who is drunk)
Swain: Eh, Robert, stay away from golf buggies.
Charge: And transexuals.
(Referring to the event that happened the last time RO got drunk)

Episode 043 - Ransom

Kidnapper: It's not coming off. Maybe if I use turps!

Episode 045 - Big Fish

Bird: Yuck.
Dutchy: Relax, it's just a little bit of squid. (Helps Bird with her fishing rod.)
Bird: Yeah, but they're so slimy!
Bomber: Hey! I thought the rule was to bait your own hook.
Bird: I don't do slimy!
Bomber: Guess that kills 2Dads' chances!

2Dads: Oh, it's a monster! Get the net! (fighting a fish on the line)
Swain: Come on mate! Get the camera, Bomb! (She reaches for her camera)
(Swain laughs as 2Dads reels in a small fish.)
Bomber: That's your monster?
(Swain still laughing)
Dutchy: It's huge!
Bomber: Mate, this thing hasn't got a micro setting!
2Dads: It's bigger than it looks.
Bomber: Ah, bet you say that to all the girls.

Episode 050 - Brotherhood of the Sea

(Charge and 2Dads walking on the docks. Charge is apologising to 2Dads for walking out on him at the last minute in their scuba diving trip where 2Dads almost died.)
Charge: If there is anything else I can do. If you ever wanna go on another dive trip, I will do it. I will make myself do it.
2Dads: I don't think I'm gonna be doing that for a while. There is one thing I've always wanted to do.
Charge: What is it?
2Dads: Just haven't found anyone to do it with.
Charge: Hey, I'm there. I'm your guy. Name it.
2Dads: Skydiving.
(2Dads walk away. Speechless, Charge looks up as if already dreading should it happen.)

Episode 053 - Live Catch

(Bomber and Kate in the galley, Bomber mad at Kate)
Bomber drops plate in front of Kate
Kate: Is that attitude, Bomber?
Bomber: No Ma'am, it's chicken.

SEASON 5

Episode 061 - The Stinger

Swain: These aren't mozzie bites, mate.
2Dads: They're not? What are they?
Swain: They're probe marks.
2Dads What?
Swain: Does it hurt to sit down?
(Now Swain is smirking while asking the question)
Swain: Did they go rectal?
(Swain and Bird started laughing at 2Dads.)
2Dads: You know if my head wasn't about to explode, I'll tell you where to stick yours.
(RO passes by, turns back and leans into the room.)
RO: 2Dads, there's a call for you.
2Dads From who?
RO: ET. He wants you to phone home. (RO looks pointedly at Swain and Bird and leave.)
(Swain and Bird laughs harder at RO's statement.)
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#2 ellen1985

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 09:50 AM

I've never seen this show, but going by these quotes, I should! :)
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#3 daniandan

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 01:50 PM

SEASON 1

Episode 001 - Welcome Aboard

Buffer: Don't call me sir. I work for a living

Episode 005 - Under The Radar

Kate: I'd like to thank my personal wardrobe department, Mike Flynn for the use of his favourite fishing shirt

Episode 006 - Precious Cargo

Kate McGregor: [About Robert Dixon] For a communicator he's strangely uncommunicative

Episode 007 - Rescue Me

Clare: It's really old!
Nav: Present company excluded.
Mike: Nice Nav.

Boys: Bye Clare!
Kate: Smash into a reef
Nav: Get eaten by a shark

Darryl: what are you girls up to?
Nav: nothing
Kate: weather report
[looks at each other.]
Nav: weather report
Kate: nothing

Episode 010 - Damage Control

ET telling Nav bout his ex being pregnant
ET: my ex-girlfriend is pregnant i only just found out about it we'd been broken up for ages but we bumped into each other a couple of months ago
Nav: you obviously did more than bump into her

Spider: My Mum always said I had big ears
ET: I don't think that was a compliment, Spider...

Episode 012 - Deep Water

Kate: He doesn't think she is involved (about Ursula)
Nav: Which part of his anatomy is making that decision

Episode 013 - Cometh the Hour

Chefo: You heard the man, Smurf up!

SEASON 3

Episode 030 - Guns

Kershaw: I think they're still talking about this guy at ADFA
Mike: Must have been that whoopy cushion I put under the Admiral's seat at graduation parade. (To Charge) You didn't hear that!
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#4 daniandan

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 03:38 PM

SEASON 1

Episode 001 - Welcome Aboard

Chefo: sorry galley's closed, I'm off to save the world!

Episode 006 - Precious Cargo

Swain: You did a terrible job wrapping this, mate!
RO: Well, I only had one arm!


Episode 009 - Under the Hammer

Mike: Lieutenant Commander Richard Curry.
Chefo: Dick Curry....... Spicy Donger
Mike: That's Lieutenant Commander Richard Curry Chefo!


Chefo kept referring to the Captain of the Kingston Richard Curry as Spicy Donger, and then the tribute to Neptune was
Chefo: "Off milk and curried sausages"
Chefo and ET: Spicy Donger


Episode 013 - Cometh the Hour

Mike: There is nothing I value more than honesty, courage and a good throat ripping debate


SEASON 2

Episode 015 - Fortune Favours

RO: Listen! Look, we're all running away from something. You're ahead. At least you know what you're running from.

Buffer: I thought the Charge was stabbed. Did he hit his head as well?
Kate: He's doing Tai Chi.
Buffer: Yeah, yeah, and if it was you, I wouldn't be asking. But it's the Charge!

Episode 017 - Heaven Born Captains

Buffer: It's a great to hear your voice, sir. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
Mike: Buffer, it's a time for a Graunch boarding.
X (to Swain): Tell me, he didn't say "Graunch"!
Swain: I think he did, ma'am. (laughing)
X: Aaa (let out a frustrated sigh)
Buffer: Sir, you're a mad man; it was a pleasure to serve under you. Wish us luck. Over.


Episode 019 - Birds

Buffer: (attempting to talk to the fishermen) Man, in barrel? Barrel? Why?
Bomber: (snorts)
Buffer: (pointing at Bomber) Shut up!
Bomber: Sorry Buff.


Swain: you don't have bird flu spider
Spider: what are you a pathologist? They were on the Hammersley for a very long time
Charge: we're disinfected
Spider: Charge those germs can live for a very long time
Charge: what, are you a pathologist?


Episode 020 - Hidden Agendas

Mike: You didn't tell me where you were going?
Kate: I didn't know
Mike: Not very professional
Kate: Sir we're heading home, we don't need another debriefing
Mike: Its not a debriefing
Kate: Its sounds like one
Mike: Well cant I be concerned
Kate: Yeah sure just don't make it sound like a debriefing


Episode 021 - Heart of Glass

Nav: And i think that's my pillow calling...
Buffer: Call the hands, call the hands, wakey, wakey, wakey.
Nav: I guess that's not my pillow calling after all
Buffer: Sorry Ma'am.


ET: It's a choice of fruit salad or fruit salad
Charge: No way
Swain: I would steer clear if I was you though mate, this stuff with soften your arteries
Charge: *sarcastic laugh* where is the cook?


Nav: That looks like horse...
XO: don't say that
Nav: Well okay it looks like the product of a horse that ate some birthday candles
XO: With these things it's the thought that counts
Nav: Well at least it will taste good
XO: Well actually it's just a bit frozen
Nav: How long has it been out?
XO: *awkward shuffle* about 45 mins
Nav: you should have taken it out last night
XO: yeah i know thanks for that


Charge: She’s not here, it’s just fruit and salad
RO: Good. Need you all in the junior sailors’ mess
ET: Is there a problem?
RO: No, we’re gonna sing ‘Happy Birthday’. (Weird looks from Swain, ET and Charge)
Swain: He’s getting weirder.


Episode 022 - Shadow Line

Nav: we already had intelligence that your were in the galley
CO: no doubt they told you i was making a mess
Nav: no comment boss


Episode 023 - Rules of Engagement

Mike: What do you know about these Buffer?
Buffer: They go bang. You don't wanna be around when they do.


Episode 024 - A Brilliant Career

Fisherman: Didn't know there was another boat within cooee.
Buffer: *Pointing to Hammersley* Pretty hard to miss.


Bomber: He’s supposed to be a hell of a captain
RO: Yeah. He’s a golf nut
ET: I hear golf balls aren’t the only thing he whacks with his putter... Junior sailors
Bomber: No!
ET: Oh, I’m serious.

Episode 026 - Soldiers of Fortune

Charge: Sweet music to my ears.
Buffer: That's the sound of you snoring big fellow.
Charge: I don't snore.



SEASON 4


Episode 040 - Night of the Long Knives

Kate: My own personal masseuse, you offering?
Mike: I Thought I might just hang by the door ... quick getaway .... ma'am.


Episode 041 - Crocodile Tears

Kate: I did not think there was anyone on the ship dumber then you 2Dads, but obviously there is


Episode 046 - Shoes of the Fisherman

RO: They might think I've drowned
Hannibal: They might have a party!

Episode 047 - Universal Donor

Swain: You all think you know CPR back to front-
Charge: RPC!

Kate: Swain is making 2Dads do CPR practice on Charge.
RO: Aren't there hygiene issues with that?

2Dads: Even human fat worth big bucks in the cosmetics industry. You're a walking gold mine, Charge.
Charge: Have you ever thought about selling your brain? It's not like it's being used.

Episode 049 - Rawhide

Kate: So, was it a rental?
Swain: The girl?
Kate: The car!
Swain: Oh! On a bosun's salary? Probably.

Swain: He, ma'am watch out - Cow...!
Kate: oh... It's... wet. Fresh.

Bomber (to RO): Just be yourself. Well... you know, a more people-friendly version of yourself.

Kate: I know what I want. Do you know what you want?
Mike: "Yes... Coffee.
(...) *conversation in which Kate called him MIKE!!!!*
Kate: Enjoy your coffee.

Bird: I'm so sorry, X. I didn't mean to injure him. Honestly.
Kate: Oh. So, you hit him with a torch.
Bird: I didn't know that it was him.
Kate: Okay, Bird. I'm curious who did you intend to beat senseless then?

Episode 051 - Rumble in the Jungle

Mike: RO, ETA to radio range?
RO: Eh, possibly... an hour and a half?
Mike: Good.
RO: Well, depends on their location. If they're in a valley it might be a bit... a bit longer, if they're up a hill, a bit... a bit shorter.

2Dads: You mean we have to walk all the way?
Bomber: No, the monorail will be around in a minute to give us a lift.

Episode 54 - Flotsam and Jetsam

Dutchy: Oh, no.
Kate: What?
Dutchy: you've got that look on your face again. Last time you had that look, you got yourself into trouble.

Episode 055 - In Too Deep

RO: Good to have you back, Sir
Mike: Good to be back, RO
Charge: You are starting to look like your old self again, Sir
Mike: I don't think I'll be winning any beauty contests, Charge. I don't know why I'd be entering any

Edited by ellen1985, 10 June 2013 - 05:54 PM.

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#5 daniandan

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Posted 09 June 2013 - 11:40 PM

^ Damn. I just realised that this quote I put in for Episode 028 Monkey Business in Season 3, was actually from a Season 4 Episode 041 Crocodile Tears;
Kate: I did not think there was anyone on the ship dumber then you 2Dads, but obviously there is
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#6 ellen1985

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Posted 10 June 2013 - 05:54 PM

I've changed it for you.
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#7 daniandan

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Posted 11 June 2013 - 12:20 AM

^ Thanks
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#8 ellen1985

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 12:28 AM

Just heared this one that made me laugh:

Swain shows Charge an ultrasound.
Charge: Where is the nipper?
Swain: Right there. Head, arm, leg, ten cute little toes.
Charge: Looks like a frog.
Swain: It's not a frog, it's my gorgeous baby.
Charge: Which explains why it looks like a frog.
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#9 daniandan

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Posted 21 June 2013 - 04:33 AM

^ Yeah, I remember that one, but I couldn't remember what episode of the first season it was from
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#10 ellen1985

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Posted 04 July 2013 - 08:58 PM

Season 2 episode 10 "Rules of engagement"

CO: Just stay calm Spider. We'll have you out of here as soon as we can.
Spider: Pretty calm sir, just a bit uncomfortable.
Buffer: How do you expect me to find you a pillow out here mate?
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#11 ellen1985

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Posted 04 July 2013 - 09:44 PM

There was another one from the same episode but I couldn't make out exactly what was said.

After ET and Buffer refuse to leave Spider and CO.
CO: Alright, but if we all get blown up, you two are on build(?) scrubbing duties for a month.
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#12 daniandan

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Posted 05 July 2013 - 12:02 AM

^ I'm pretty sure it was bilge scrubbing duties
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#13 ellen1985

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Posted 05 July 2013 - 06:29 AM

Ah that would make a lot more sense :)
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#14 ellen1985

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Posted 05 July 2013 - 04:10 PM

Season 3 episode 2 "Monkey business"

Charge: Has anyone seen my watch?
Spider taps on the watch Charge is wearing.
Charge: No, the gold watch, you panda.
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#15 ellen1985

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Posted 05 July 2013 - 10:40 PM

Season 3 episode 5 "Ghost net"

XO: Where is Spider?
RO: He's down the back trying to break the language barrier with the boy m'am.
XO: Ah, how's he going?
RO: Well I wouldn't want him on my team for pictionary.
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